Exercise 5 – Letter to the Past
Dear VICTIM ( Real name omitted )
It has been a total of 4 years of silence and ironically 4 years of interaction. This past incidents may be ominous and it certainly reflects my immaturity and shallow perception of what appears to be rather major and salient. In simple terms, failure to comprehend is my weakness and my constrained field of vision is one of my downs. Vengeance, hate, rivalry, contempt and envy was prominent, the conventions that constitute to the gradual decline of the sheer understanding between our values. These elements impulsively cloud my judgment and ability to discern objectively. It could be due to my desire and craving to control a wide range of factors that are volatile and sensitive. Perfectionism gives the alluring attempt to fall into ignorance, and possibility the oblivion of emotions and the trust we have subtly built upon each other. Ignorance was never a bliss and naivete was the nemesis to the probable resolution that could have been derived. Delusions occur now and then, affecting the way we balance our thoughts, pride and emotions and thus misunderstanding breeds at such haste that we neglected the minute words we use.
When we met, you were two years ahead, having your major O’Levels exam and I was still a free bird in secondary one, interest was a magnet that gave us the opportunity to interact. Respect was held highly, and pride was never tarnished, this method was a conventional way to defend yourselves against new acquaintances. In times of hardship, trust is forged even if it was unintentional, we find ourselves using that faith to focus on a single adversary. Seamless teamwork is prevalent throughout the angst we input in our common goal. The innate manipulative mindset was the indication of my adolescent mindset and also my volatile temperament. I thought I could solve things, I had been always naive, things always seem so simple and explicit in my life, subtlety and complications were just being thrown aside. It had been such a fool of me to discuss about improving your relationship with someone who has offended greatly. For the sake of the team, I even gave an obligatory remark of recruiting him in it. I believe the 3 hours of phone conversation was the last we ever had, I never did realise that my actions were filled with impulse and naivete.
Respect was slowly taken away ever since the bitter confrontation and the way we communicate became awkward. We started to isolate from one another and insufficient interaction can easily result in misperceptions and dissonance between our pride, dignity and trust. Delusions of how you always remain a lofty composure and the ways you stare at me with sheer scorn. Those mists led me to the very depravity I despise even when I looked back to the incident. I can’t believe that I resort to unscrupulous measures such as vilification and the reverse psychology of being spiteful while showing your low self-esteem. The veritable corruption was irrefutable as I even tried to salvage the matter with an apology. The magnitude and scale of incidents piling up had effectively caused an emotional resonance in your state of mind and that I fail to comprehend. Sarcasm and disrespect were the few words you can hurl at me but you didn’t. I could sense how infuriated you were; I had to read MSN conversations with a profanity filter and at the same time I was shut down literally when you started issuing the imminent block. Blatant was the resolution to the problem, you agreed to it and could not tolerate any of my nonsensical behaviour.
Till now, I have always held you in high regards and dignity in terms of your innate intellect and ability to analyze things. I am only filled with remorse and regret with the flaws I have developed. Degeneracy was like a plague over my adolescent years, coupled with morbid fears from the various ‘entities’ in school, the interest we shared was like an escape from the school context. I still have to thank you for your guidance and your tolerance. You have taught me to give up on simplicity and try to achieve for a wide vision of the world.
Yong Hao.
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I believe eventually, even if the friendship can’t be mended, the hurt diminishes.